Dying Inside
by Scandallover1
Summary: One shot surrounding Mellie's suicide attempt. [I don't own Scandal]


Hey guys so I was bored and decided to write a one shot about Mellie's suicide attempt back in California all those years ago. Just warning that the mentions of sexual assault might trigger some people. Anyway hope you enjoy and please no Mellie bashers hiding behind guest reviews please because you're not going to accomplish anything by commenting your super long anti Mellie rants that I will just ignore.

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She stared down at the bottle, it was looked so ordinary, and like the bottle your pills would come in when you had strep throat. This was not strep throat though, this wasn't even a disease, it was something so much worse. You see diseases can be cured but she could never be cured, she could be the person she was before that night. She quickly tried to push the thoughts of that night out of her head, she just didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to think about the smell of the scotch, the weight of his body or the sound, the sound of her underwear being ripped from her skin just like her innocence being ripped away from her. He had taken her innocence from her that night along with her pride, her self-esteem and something even more brutal … her trust. Before that she could have always seen the best in people but now all she saw was darkness. Darkness had filled her life and no matter how hard she tried it was still there. He had brought darkness into her life that night when he decide that his 3 minutes of pleasure was worth the rest of her life. She shuttered at the thought, she hated thinking about that night but somehow she always did it anyway. She always thought back to that night trying to convince herself that it wasn't her fault, clearly it was a good thing she had given up her law career because she was probably the least convincing person in the world. She haden't wanted to give up her career but Cyrus convinced her that it was essential for her to devote all of her time to Fitz and his political career and she figured she had already given up so much for this career what was one more thing? So she gave up law and quit her partnership that she had worked so hard for. She had thrown herself into the campaign working 24/7 just trying to let the work distract her from how absolutely messed up her life was. It had worked at first … she was doing fine at first , and she would have stayed fine if it wasn't for that stupid little plus sign that changed everything.

She felt her heart break as she thought of her Jerry. The second she saw the pregnancy test she wanted to just curl up into a ball and cry until she had no more tears. She couldn't believe that her son could possibly be her husband's brother. It was like the plotline out of some sick twisted horror movie but this wasn't a movie, this was her real life and it was hell. She knew that she and Fitz had been trying for months so all signs pointed to him being the father but that didn't stop the fact that Big Jerry had also been inside of her only 9 months before her little boy's birth. She remembered the birth, Fitz calling her champ while she tried not to think about the fact that he could be witnessing the birth of his brother or his son. She had pushed as hard as she could anyway because she just wanted the baby out of her, she just wanted him out so he could stop kicking her. Every time she felt kick she was not delighted as all normal parents were but instead she felt like her little boys kicks were her rapist still violating her over and over again. When he was finally out Mellie received an ever bigger blow when the doctor told her that her baby was a boy. Mellie had been praying to god that it would be a girl so that her baby which was possibly conceived in rape would not have the same name as her rapist, but of course it had to be a boy because the universe just seemed hell bent on punishing her. After that moment it was a blurry of visitors and doctors and Fitz holding her had while she pretended that she was okay, that she wasn't dying on the inside. All the moments blurred together except for one which was permanently inscribed in her memory. She had been lying in the hospital bed and Fitz had gone for some coffee when Big Jerry came into the room. Up until then she haden't been alone with him since the night of the rape and now she was stuck here in a room alone with the man who had ruined her life. He briefly acknowledged her before turning his attention to Jerry talking about his effect on the governor's race and how he would carry on the grant family legacy. Mellie didn't say anything, she was frozen just like that night she was frozen still unable to speak unable to think just hoping for him to be done so he could leave. About a minute later Fitz entered the room which only served to make Mellie even worse … she finally was able to find her words and tell them both that she was exhausted and needed some sleep so if they could both leave. Big Jerry left but Fitz did the exact opposite, he climbed into bed with her pulling her into his arms as she just lay their frozen still pretending, pretending that the tears streaming down her face were tears of joy and pretending that she was not dying inside.

As Mellie though about that moment she felt a lone tear run down her face, she couldn't do it anymore, she couldn't pretend that she was okay. She couldn't pretend to be okay when her husband touched her, she couldn't pretend to be okay when she held her son, she was just so sick of pretending. All she wanted to do was to go back to that moment and make it not happen. She wanted to go back and have Fitz hear her screams. For him to run downstairs and save her, he couldn't save her bust she could save him. She could save him from a wife who could not be touched, a wife who could not love him even though she wanted to with all her heart. She would save Jerry from a life with a mother who could not look at him without feeling pain. She could save everyone from the pain hats she carried around with her. She could also save herself, save herself from a life of pain and suffering, a life filled with her hurting everyone that she loved. She had to do this, it was the right thing, and everybody would be beter off without her. With that thought in mind she began swallowing pill after pill until the little yellow bottle was empty. Soon everything became blurry as she tried to lie down on the sofa but instead ended up missing the sofa and hitting the floor. She slowly shut her eyes as everything went black … as she just laid there she listened to the silence thinking it was a nice way to go , she would just drift away and never have to think about any of these awful things ever again. Suddenly though she heard the voice of a man, he was calling her name

"Mrs. Grant!?"

"Go away" she mumbled as she felt his body over hers, she suddenly felt him grab her and wrap her arm around his as she dragged her like a rag doll all the way to the bathroom where he held her above the toilet and stuck his fingers down her throat as she threw up every one of the little pink pills. As she realized what had just happened she began to sob uncontrollably … why didn't he let her die?


End file.
